Sunday, December 16, 2007

Don't You Just Hate That?: 738 Annoying Things by Scott Cohen

I picked this up at Barnes and Nobles one day and started reading it, and it cracked me up. I decided to get it as a stocking stuffer for my mom, but have been reading through the whole thing. I was laughing out loud over some of it. It's funny to me because it's that everyday stuff people can relate to. Here are some of the author's annoying things:

Having to make that face to people in the hallway at work that implies "Hey."

Restaurants with indistinct figures, like a rooster and a chicken, indicating which restrooms are for men and which are women.

Finding a rusty AA battery, old packets of mild Taco Bell sauce, and a picture of your aunt and uncle tossing a Frisbee, as you frantically search your glove compartment for your registration while the state trooper grows impatient.

When a woman calls out "Thanks a million!" and waves as her car pulls away, and you realize you just gave her totally wrong directions.

When your thigh rubs against a leather chair, emitting a loud, ripping noise, and every time you rub your leg against it again, in an attempt to make the same noise to prove it wasn't a fart, it sounds nothing like the initial noise.

When the driver pushes the unlock button, but you pull the handle at the same moment, and you remain locked out.

When you've accidentally broken something in someone's home, and the host doesn't try to comfort you by saying, "Oh, it was already broken" or "It does that all the time."

When the person you are waving hello to doesn't see you waving, but then catches you awkwardly retracting the wave.

Stumbling over something in front of strangers and immediately having to decide between two options: (a) ignore your misstep and try to walk nonchalantly onward; or (b) look over your shoulder while making a slightly exaggerated look of annoyance at the thing that cause you to stumble, as if to imply, "They really ought to fix that!"

When an audience claps to a song out of rhythm.

When the person you're eating with aggressively wipes his mouth causing you to wonder if he's hinting that you have a glob of something dangling from the corner of your mouth.

People who stop telling a story "because it's too disgusting to tell during dinner," leaving you to try to envision what was so disgusting about it as you continue eating.

Waking up with your arm numb and thinking, This time it's paralyzed.

High fives that don't quite come off right.

The white thread your vacuum won't pick up no matter how many times you run over it.

When movie characters make out after sleeping all night and not brushing their teeth.

When you have to cancel plans because you're sick, but you don't sound sick.

When the person holding the camera can't locate the right button, forcing you to stand with a fake grin frozen on your face.

People who say "Let's grab some din-din."

Bending to pick up the subscription cards that fell out of the magazine you're holding.

That the most intense laughter you have usually comes at the least appropriate time.

Not listening when someone tells you her name as you're being introduced, causing you to obsess about whether her name will be repeated, leaving you unable to follow the conversation.

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